👻🎈🤡🥧

[cained]

family don't end with blood —

CLUB FREE WILL MASTERPOST

— welcome to the losers club, asshole!

STARRING

SQUIRREL

MOOSE

FEATHERS

LUCIFER JR.

BABY

MARSH

TRASHMOUTH

SPAGHETTI

BIG BILL

MIKEY

HAYSTACK

STAN THE MAN

CODING BY TESSISAMESS

Comments

[cained]

( wrong answer, tozier. )

do not test my patience
where the fuck did you get that shirt

[groaners]

ebay
you want one? 😉

[cained]

i'm going to get in my car
drive to LA
and rip that shirt off you
so i can set it on fire

( god, he'd almost forgotten those damn books existed. )

if i have to live through another resurgence of the supernatural book fans
let's just say i know where you live tozier

[groaners]

jesus christ
promise?

[ dean, you make it too easy... ]

before we get too deep into your violent fantasies
can we at least acknowledge your blame in this
if you had literally any kind of social media, this shit wouldn't be the first result when you google dean winchester

[cained]

why does it sound like you'd be into that

( wait )

do not answer that

( jesus take the wheel and lord have fucking mercy. on a good day he tolerates richie. right now he's strongly considering murder. )

richie
let me be perfectly fucking clear here
supernatural does not need a public endorsement by any celebrity
D-list or otherwise
i know you think this is funny
but that shit in those books is my life
and i don't need anymore creepy weirdos stalking me about it

( looking at you, becky. )

and unlike you i have a real job
i don't have time for twitstagram

[groaners]

i don't know, probably cause i would

[ don't answer that. please, he's immune. ]

what are you trying to say
that my d-list career's fans are all creepy weirdos??
i'm pretty sure you told me you don't get paid for your ""real job""

[ no offense taken. he's pretty sure there were creepy weirdos in the crowd for his first couple tours, to be fair. ]

but yeah, okay, i get it
i didn't read anything, if that helps
just dropped $50
so, fair warning i'm totally wearing this to bed now

[cained]

( things he never wanted to know about richie: that. excuse him while he throws up in his mouth a little.

but listen, buddy, everyone who's any kind of popular has creepy weirdos for fans. it's just a law of nature. )

just because i don't get paid don't mean it ain't important
it's keeping your ass alive so you're welcome

if i find out you're lying i will not hesitate to break your face

( he is Exhausted by this conversation already but he has to cover all his bases here. just to make sure old fans haven't come back to haunt them via richie. )

you didn't happen to buy it from someone named samlicker81 or beckywinchester176 did you

[groaners]

[ he asked!! there is no such thing as take-backs in these parts, dean. ]

the barista that puts extra espresso shots in my coffee keeps my ass alive, too
he gets paid

[ ... ]

thanks, though [ GENUINELY, text just... doesn't always read that way. ]

oh shit it was definitely samlicker81
you don't forget a visual like that

[cained]

( he doesn't do the job to hear thanks, but that doesn't mean it's not nice to hear it all the same. even coming from richie, which might be sarcastic. it soothes his mood by a fraction.

at least, until — for fuck's sake. becky. )

do me a favor and don't encourage her will you
i know that's a tall ask for you but
we have
history
i don't need her gettin wind of me or my brother again
sam more so than me

[groaners]

[ he'd take a fraction! but no such soothing shows through text. ]

i am a pretty encouraging guy [ sarcasm? unsure. ]

history like what
what kind
and don't blame me for asking
you made it look fucking ominous

[cained]

*annoying
i fixed it for you

( okay. time for a deep, calming breath. )

i mean just speaking her name's practically a damn omen
last we saw her she hijacked our week in vegas
drugged sam with love potion and got hitched
all so she could drag him to some shitty high school reunion and show him off
but get this
once the potion started wearing off and her supplier
(a fucking crossroads demon)
stopped putting out
she straight up misery'd my brother
knocked him out with the fucking waffle iron I GAVE THEM as a reluctant wedding gift
turns out my instincts about that chick were always right

oh and did i mention she writes weird porn about us?
because she definitely writes weird porn about us

( don't ask him why or how he knows this. he's still trying to scrub that fact from his mind almost a decade later. )

[groaners]

i can be both, asshole

... there's a fuckton to unpack here
love potion
high school reunion
love potion DRUG DEALER
and a waffle iron
why is you buying a waffle iron the most confusing part

i mean
everybody's entitled to some weird porn in their lives
but even i can see the line there

is it at least well-written weird porn??

[cained]

( don't question the waffle iron, richie. just accept it. )

wow hey i can be a supportive brother when i want to be
thank fuck that marriage didn't last longer than a couple days
my support for psycho fangirls only goes so far

dude it's incestuous gay porn
being well-written doesn't even factor into the fucking equation

[groaners]

for some reason waffle iron didn't strike me as your kind of supportive
unless you're using one to bash a werewolf over the head or whatever the fuck

don't have much support for psycho fanboys either apparently

alright jesus christ you got me there
don't hold it against me, i was innocently supporting a small creator

[ ""innocently"" ]

[cained]

you know what bite me
this wasn't a hunter wedding
can't just show up with a grenade launcher for the happy couple

psycho fans in general don't sit well with me

"innocently"
have you ever done anything innocently a day in your life

( he ain't buying it!! )