( it surprises him, too, how easy it is to say yes to bev. maybe because for the first time in a long time, he feels like he can. he's never made a habit of sticking around any town too long, and especially not for a girl (there have been exceptions, obviously β cassie, lisa β but they feel like lifetimes ago now, distant memories just out of his reach, boarded up behind years of responsibility and trauma, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT smeared in blood as a warning to his future self) and yet ...
why the fuck not?
it's only a couple days. and there's something about bev, something that feels like he's been ever slowly drawn toward her, pulled in by her gravity. they've been orbiting each other for months now, talking for hours on end, texting longer than that; it finally feels like something is aligning β a convergence of some kind, the type you only see every handful of decades or centuries. he'd be an idiot to let this chance pass him by, even as much as it scares him, just a little, his skin flushed with anticipation as she lists an itinerary of activities, his heart beating hard behind his ribs.
god, he can't remember the last time he went on a date. (isn't that what this is?) he'd been teasing, mostly, but now that it's out there β a whole day's worth of sightseeing, a whole day's worth of bev, doing the things, what, couples do? the idea of it makes him bark a laugh, a warm rumble low in his chest. he's not laughing at her, of course, or the things she has planned β it's a defense mechanism, really, because if he doesn't laugh he thinks he might cry. is this what being seen feels like? they way her itinerary caters exactly to his interests, the way she tries to play it off as if she hadn't been thinking about this for weeks, thinking about him for weeks.
oh. something in his chest pangs and his eyes crease around the corners, his face softening.
(truthfully, he hasn't stopped thinking about her, either. doesn't think he could ever get her off his mind.)
he leans forward against the table, arms crossed in front of him, his knee bumping against hers, his mouth curved with that charming smugness of his. )
With all that on the itinerary, you'd think you were trying to seduce me. ( he's teasing, mostly, but it occurs to him with the sudden skip of his heartbeat that it wouldn't even take that much. sure, he's always been a little easy, but he's always been more of a romantic underneath it all; he's never been wooed before and yet here bev is doing exactly that with all her talk of gangster museums and vintage record shops. maybe that's what's most exciting about all of this β they're taking their time with whatever this is, letting it grow naturally, which isn't something dean has usually had the privilege of. ) And not that I don't want you to, but all this time with yours truly ain't gonna fuck up that divorce of yours, is it?
( last he heard, it was close to being finalized and he definitely does not want to ruin it for her just by sticking around. he knows it's been hell, before and during. the least he can do is make sure the after ain't gonna be hell, too. )
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( it surprises him, too, how easy it is to say yes to bev. maybe because for the first time in a long time, he feels like he can. he's never made a habit of sticking around any town too long, and especially not for a girl (there have been exceptions, obviously β cassie, lisa β but they feel like lifetimes ago now, distant memories just out of his reach, boarded up behind years of responsibility and trauma, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT smeared in blood as a warning to his future self) and yet ...
why the fuck not?
it's only a couple days. and there's something about bev, something that feels like he's been ever slowly drawn toward her, pulled in by her gravity. they've been orbiting each other for months now, talking for hours on end, texting longer than that; it finally feels like something is aligning β a convergence of some kind, the type you only see every handful of decades or centuries. he'd be an idiot to let this chance pass him by, even as much as it scares him, just a little, his skin flushed with anticipation as she lists an itinerary of activities, his heart beating hard behind his ribs.
god, he can't remember the last time he went on a date. (isn't that what this is?) he'd been teasing, mostly, but now that it's out there β a whole day's worth of sightseeing, a whole day's worth of bev, doing the things, what, couples do? the idea of it makes him bark a laugh, a warm rumble low in his chest. he's not laughing at her, of course, or the things she has planned β it's a defense mechanism, really, because if he doesn't laugh he thinks he might cry. is this what being seen feels like? they way her itinerary caters exactly to his interests, the way she tries to play it off as if she hadn't been thinking about this for weeks, thinking about him for weeks.
oh. something in his chest pangs and his eyes crease around the corners, his face softening.
(truthfully, he hasn't stopped thinking about her, either. doesn't think he could ever get her off his mind.)
he leans forward against the table, arms crossed in front of him, his knee bumping against hers, his mouth curved with that charming smugness of his. )
With all that on the itinerary, you'd think you were trying to seduce me. ( he's teasing, mostly, but it occurs to him with the sudden skip of his heartbeat that it wouldn't even take that much. sure, he's always been a little easy, but he's always been more of a romantic underneath it all; he's never been wooed before and yet here bev is doing exactly that with all her talk of gangster museums and vintage record shops. maybe that's what's most exciting about all of this β they're taking their time with whatever this is, letting it grow naturally, which isn't something dean has usually had the privilege of. ) And not that I don't want you to, but all this time with yours truly ain't gonna fuck up that divorce of yours, is it?
( last he heard, it was close to being finalized and he definitely does not want to ruin it for her just by sticking around. he knows it's been hell, before and during. the least he can do is make sure the after ain't gonna be hell, too. )